A Look at Frequent Intimacy Blockers
By Sandra Higley
It happened at a Dennis Jernigan concert.
He invited the audience to picture a time in our lives when a deep hurt left us feeling abandoned and wondering where Jesus was when we needed Him most. Dennis sang a prayer over us asking Jesus to allow us to clearly see where He was at that exact moment of hurt.
Unaware of any unresolved issues in my life, I didn’t expect to “see” anything. Suddenly, I got a mental image of a scene from 1978: I was posing for a picture with my dad and sister. The memory came rushing back. Standing in the middle, my dad turned and put his arms around my sister, leaving a significant gap between the two of them and me.
Old rejection issues surfaced as I saw a snapshot of the scene—like a Polaroid picture—develop before my eyes. With my sister on the right, my dad draped his arms around her, and I stood off to the left. But what I saw next made me catch my breath. Jesus was standing right behind me with both of His arms wrapped around me from behind. My dad couldn’t have gotten closer to me if he tried because Jesus’ arms filled the gap.
In that instant, I realized that Jesus always deals with me intimately. Certain situations—usually ones I create—block my ability to see or sense His presence. When that faulty perception occurs—as it does for all of us at times—it is a major problem. It may feel as if the heavens are “brass” (Deut. 28:23). Since God desires sustained intimacy with us, we can be sure that He offers ways to identify and tear down any barriers that block that sweet closeness with Him.
Here are some specific intimacy blockers to consider.
Can You Hear Me Now?
When we feel our intimacy with God blocked, the first issue to consider is personal sin. From an early age we hear the erroneous teaching that “God always hears our prayers.” God’s Word makes it apparent that embracing personal sin distorts our relationship with Him—often to the point that He will not hear us (2 Chron. 7:14; Ps. 66:18–20; Prov. 15:29; Isa. 1:15–17, 59:1–2). Though God’s grace provides us the confident, direct access to His throne that was not available to Old Testament believers (Heb. 4:16), once we start that approach, confession and repentance clear the path.
Peter confirmed that this is not just an Old Testament dynamic when he exhorted husbands to treat their wives with consideration “so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7). He encouraged all of us to turn from evil so that the Lord’s ears would be attentive when we pray (vv. 10–12). God’s love never changes. His desire for intimacy is always there. But in His love, His holiness never diminishes. We frequently misunderstand that. Though He longs to have a vital relationship with us and has provided a way for that to occur through confession (1 John 1:9), we must actively seek it.
Surprisingly, this positional need for cleansing can sneak up on an intercessor. Enjoying His presence and talking with Him as friend-to-Friend sometimes keeps us from regular heart-search and confession. As soon as we enter our prayer closet, we hit the floor running and neglect a thoughtful approach of self-examination. Before we know it, we are asking what happened to our connectedness, and we’re looking at a list of intimacy-busters that crept in unaware (Psalm 15).
Most believers are familiar with the first part of James 4:8: “Come near to God and he will come near to you.” But we sometimes overlook the last half of the verse: “Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” Nearness comes on the heels of the purification process. We can take a cue from the popular mobile phone advertisement and frequently check our access: “Can You hear me now?”
A Burning Bush and a Sycamore Tree
The second intimacy blocker to consider is whether we have a deep, deliberate desire for a heart connection with God. Francis Thompson (1859–1907) immortalized God’s relentless pursuit of us in his poem “The Hound of Heaven.” But as much as the Lord pursues us, He also desires to be pursued. In fact, He looks for those who seek Him out. In Exodus 3:1–4 we can almost see Almighty God holding His breath, waiting to see if Moses will turn aside to investigate the burning bush. “When the Lord saw that [Moses] had gone over to look, God called to him” (v. 4). From that “drawing-near” point on, Moses’ intimate relationship with God deepened until he talked with God regularly, as with a friend, face to face (Ex. 33:11).
There’s drawing near, and then there’s drawing near. How often do we follow a crowd in search of Him, thinking that is enough? Although crowds turned out to see Jesus, He went home with the one who didn’t care how foolish he looked as he climbed a sycamore tree in order to get a better view (Luke 19:1–6). When crowds crushed Him on every side, Jesus stopped and asked, “Who touched Me?” It was His response to the intimate touch of one woman who reached out to Him with a deliberate purpose (Luke 8:40–48).
Following only because the crowd is following is never enough. He is looking for a personal heart connection!
A Scary Proposition
The third intimacy blocker to consider is fear. Fear of intimacy and vulnerability are barriers we often create subconsciously. In any personal human relationship, we open ourselves to emotions we may not be comfortable feeling or expressing. Isolation offers protection from a loss of complete control. But intimacy bares the soul and is—quite frankly—messy. It is no different in a deep, personal relationship with God.
Deep down we know that our omniscient God sees all our “stuff.” Interacting with Him means we can’t pretend or ignore it—He’ll want to talk about it, of course. The first thing Adam did after sinning in the garden was to hide. Although God knew what Adam had done, He showed up for His daily walk with Adam so that they could talk it through. Adam pulled back, and it broke God’s heart (Gen. 3:8–10).
If fear of intimacy is an issue for us, recognizing that God makes Himself open and available to us may help pull us back into relationship. He is the perfect Lover; He will never cheat, lie, or betray—something that can’t be said of us.
Missing It
The fourth intimacy blocker to consider is distraction. There’s a scene in the movie Hook where Peter Banning, a successful lawyer, is spending more time at work than with his family. His wife Moira talks to him about the way he’s putting his job before his relationships with his growing children. “You are not being careful,” she tells him, “and you are missing it.”
We have a tendency to do the same in our relationship with God. We while away the hours, doing good things but miss the deeper intimacy available to us. Though Jesus appreciated the hospitality Martha offered Him, it was the sister who sat at His feet and hung on His every word who found His favor (Luke 10:38–42). How sad to get so caught up in busyness that we miss it when it comes to intimacy with our Creator!
If we allow busyness and distractions to stifle intimacy, God may take serious measures to reestablish connection and make us hunger and thirst for Him. Sometimes a dust-bowl experience is the only thing that will get through to us, as it was with Israel:
“I will lead [you] into the desert and speak tenderly to [you] there . . . [You] will give [yourself] to me there. . . . When that day comes,” says the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master’” (Hosea 2:14–16, NLT).
Although God’s stern dealings to get our attention may take longer than we would like, we can take heart. The Hosea passage also says that He will turn our “Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.” Intimacy restored!
Delayed Response
Here’s a fifth intimacy blocker to consider: if we’re honest, it’s not always busyness or distraction that robs intimacy—sometimes it’s just plain laziness. Song of Songs 5:2–6 (NLT) recounts a picture of our lazy, delayed response to our Lord’s overtures and the resulting loss of intimacy:
I slept, but my heart was awake, when I heard my lover knocking and calling: “Open to me, my treasure, my darling, my dove, my perfect one. . . .” But I responded, “I have taken off my robe. Should I get dressed again? I have washed my feet. Should I get them soiled?” My lover tried to unlatch the door, and my heart thrilled within me. I jumped up to open the door for my love, and my hands dripped with perfume . . . as I pulled back the bolt. I opened to my lover, but he was gone! My heart sank. I searched for him but could not find him anywhere. I called to him, but there was no reply.
If you’re guilty of being a lazy (or procrastinating) lover, don’t despair. Song of Songs chapter six speaks of the hope of reestablished intimacy.
The Gumball Syndrome
A sixth potential intimacy blocker is self-centeredness. I confess that in this all-about-me society, I’ve found myself occasionally courting a very self-absorbed outlook toward intimacy. From there it is an easy downward spiral to begin to look at God—at least subconsciously—as our own personal “gumball machine.” How often do we want our surroundings to adhere to a specific formula in order to produce the optimal, intimate worship experience that we fancy? Maybe we like the lights low with a certain style of worship music playing in the background. Maybe we prefer complete quiet.
Interaction with the Holy Spirit is intoxicating (Eph. 5:17–19), and our time with God can become so self-gratifying that we forget there is another Person involved in the equation. Sometimes we consider our own pleasure (James 4:3) without thinking about how He would like to spend our time together. No human relationship can expect intimacy to survive and thrive in such an inconsiderate, one-sided atmosphere. If your relationship seems stale, ask God what He would like to do when you next get together. You may be surprised and delighted by His response!
God designed us for intimacy with Him. If God seems distant, press in to Him. Take a closer look at some of these intimacy blockers to determine what the problem might be. See the picture of His arms reaching out to you? Go to Him. He’s waiting! What is keeping you from spending intimate time in His presence right now?
SANDRA HIGLEY is an author and editor who lives in Colorado Springs, CO. She has three children, nine grandchildren, and a great-grandchild due in November 2015.
